Addressing that Purple Elephant in the Room

As previous posts have mentioned, I've had assorted bouts with both being a Mormon and a lesbian, though not actually at the same time. Over the years I've had numerous people comment on both. I get a kick out of this especially because it’s interesting to see what people consider more shocking.

So… the lesbian thing: before I get into my own unique situation, I'd first like to start out by saying that I firmly believe one's sexuality is something they are born with the same as whether they are right or left handed. I also believe, as many others do, that there is a spectrum along which we all somewhere fall. We aren't all at either one end or the other as many people fall somewhere in between. Clearly, for those who are more definitively at one end or the other they are either heterosexual or homosexual and to go "the other way" for them would be completely against their nature. (Note to folks who are creeped out by gay people: it is every bit as “unnatural” for a gay person to even imagine having a partner in life of the opposite gender as it is for you to imagine yours being the same gender.) For those who fall somewhere in the middle, they are able to have a relationship with someone of the same or opposite gender. Therein lies the only "choice" there is to it. There is no choice for those on the ends of the spectrum; they are born that way and cannot change that. I personally fall somewhere in between those two ends of the spectrum.

At age thirty, having been previously married for many years, I determined that I could perhaps have a relationship with someone of the same gender. I only determined this after having divorced my husband due to having been unhappy in our marriage for quite some time for many reasons. It was at this time in my life that I also walked away from my ten year stint as a fully participating, card-carrying Mormon. (We’ll call it a package deal.) I know there are those who would like hear what my thought process was in making this important decision, so here it is in a nutshell: I had chosen to join this church organization as a young woman of twenty. I was at a point in my life when I wanted some structure and guidance and felt my general “goody-two-shoes” nature would fit right in with a group of clean living, church attending folks who believed in God, marriage and family; things I have always believed in. If my original perception of this religion has been accurate I likely would have been happy with it. Unfortunately, there is so much more to it than a seemingly “good Christian church” and you simply are not told up front about many of the beliefs, requirements and general way of life. After feeling very skeptical, doubtful and negative about numerous things, including glaringly obvious contradictions and hypocrisies combined with needlessly severe restrictions I was no longer willing to be part of this religion. Overall, my participation in this organization served to make me feel overwhelmed, inadequate and depressed. My basic belief in God had not changed, but my feeling as to whether or not it was truly necessary to belong to this or any other particular religious organization did.

After much soul searching and looking inside myself to determine what I believed in and really wanted in my life, I decided to leave both this religion and my marriage. Then, without ever having had an actual relationship, I surmised that maybe, just maybe I needed to try dating women. Yes, to suddenly decide I might be happy in a same-gender relationship does seem like a bit of a stretch, doesn’t it? But I had just spent the majority of my twenties in a loveless marriage and an oppressive religion; somehow this actually seemed less ridiculous.

Fast forward several years: after dating only women and having had two committed relationships of length which I ultimately ended, I determined that I would at least attempt to give it another shot with men. What led me to make this change after several years was a combination of things. For one, I never found the right female partner; put simply, someone who had the various qualities I wanted, desired a family life and was fully committed to a life together. I have always believed in marriage (for everyone...in case you haven’t read my Prop 8-related posts) and very much wanted that. For many years I had hoped to have that with a female partner if I’d found the right one but I never did. Back then, as I didn’t yet quite understand the nature of the whole spectrum thing, I assumed a relationship with a man was just not in the cards for me. When I later concluded that it might be, [hence the “somewhere in the middle” thing] I decided I should at least try dating men. I realize there are many people who don’t understand this and think silly things like; “Doesn’t that mean she’ll just want a relationship with a woman again?” No, it doesn’t mean that at all. I cannot speak for others, but I am very much a committed person who devotes total loyalty to my partner in life. Although it took me years to understand myself in regard to my own sexuality, there is one thing I have always been clear on and that is my devotion to the one special person I’ve chosen to share my life with. I’ll never know the definitive answer to the question; “would I have been happy had I found the right woman?” but the fact is it no longer matters. In my decision to once again date men, I was eventually led to my husband and thus my marriage today. (And no, he was not the first man I dated when I decided to date men. To read more about that journey you can read my very first post.) It’s possible I could have found Mr. Right many years ago had I decided to date men following my divorce but that is not the road I took. For many reasons I am glad I didn’t take that road. Things happen for a reason. Of course, we don’t always know what that reason is.

It’s interesting when I think that for so many years following my divorce I assumed I would never have any more children. I’d always intended to have more than one (though not a large number) but I was resigned to the fact that one might likely be it for me and I was largely okay with that. I recall back when the hubby and I got engaged and I had a check up with my OB/GYN (who was of course aware of the fact that I’d been in a long term relationship with a woman). She walked into the exam room and I exclaimed: “I just got engaged and we want to try to have a baby!” She congratulated me and then asked if I was talking about a woman or a man. When I’d told her a man her reply was; “Oh good, then that’ll make it easier to get pregnant!” (It’s fun having a humorous gynecologist!)

I know some folks might think; “Well, we all make mistakes and she decided to turn her life around.” I make no apologies for this part of my life and don’t think about it in terms of having made a “mistake” as some may assume. It is part of who I am and was, part of what makes me who I am today and simply another aspect of my life. In fact, the journey taught me a lot of things about myself and ultimately helped me to grow as a person. There’s also something to be said for the jokes that fly around here; there’s no shortage of humorous jabs between the hubby and I about “past girlfriends” on both sides. Yeah, it makes life interesting.

There you have it folks; just a little more insight into the mystery behind the mayhem. More thorough details on this whole story could fill a book (and will) so this is a significantly condensed version. But now you know a bit more about that purple elephant.